The M-Team
by Ooffo Rancoofsis
Summary: A dashing space cowboy, an insane clone selkath, a short buff blind korun, a promiscuous bounty hunter secretary, and a miraluka cut off from the Force. Meet the M-Team, out to conquer the galaxy one genocide at a time. What could possibly go wrong? Oh, except the hyperdrive every now and again...
1. Ch 1: Come and Get Your Love

The M-Team

Ch. 1: Come and get Your Love

(Ambria: 145 ABY)

A shitty freighter descended from the rusty afternoon sky. It slowly approached a small trading outpost on the edge of the horizon. As it descended, a selkath watched it fall from the edge of Lake Natth, a body of water so infused with the dark side that it warped the minds and bodies of all who dwelled in its depths too long.

The outside lights of the trading outpost were orange sodium, and they had the problem of occasionally flickering on and off. Strange insects sounded their mating calls in the distance while gnats flew around these sodium lights. The outpost was staffed with only half a dozen personnel, all tied and bored. Two attendants sat next to the landing pad playing a game of Pazaak.

"Hey Floyd," said one.

"Yeah Lloyd?" asked Floyd.

"You see that shitty freighter comin' down?" asked Lloyd.

Floyd looked up. "Kark it. Whoever wins doesn't have to fill er up?"

"Deal."

As they played, the shitty freighter approached the landing pad. When it was only a few meters above, the gale winds of it's thrusters blew Floyd and Lloyd's game back, and the steady but broken sounding din of it engined almost caused them to go deaf.

"Kriffin' hell," cursed Lloyd, "what the kark is wrong with its frakkin' engine?" Of course though, nobody could even hear his question over the sound of the frakkin' engine in question.

When it finally landed and the engines shut off with a loud screech, the boarding ramp descended and the silhouette of a tall man could be seen inside. The figure slowly walked out into the dying evening light. He wore a rough vest, Echani fiber armor to be exact, and a pair of jeans held up by a leather belt with an overly large brass buckle. On the buckle, the initials _MK_ were carved. The man wore a massive nerf herder hat with a wide brim, and a pair of blaster pistols dangled in holsers from his belt. The man's tanned face was incredibly handsome, and strangest of all, he was grinning like a madman. Floyd and Lloyd watched him exit.

"Hey mister," said Floyd, "does that hat take ten gallons?" Lloyd slapped Floyd's shoulder and they both burst out laughing. They drunkenly walked up to the stranger not even trying to hide their hysterics.

"Where you headed anyway?" asked the wheezing Lloyd.

"Well I'm a be lookin' for a selkath," said the man with a heavy Dilonexa XXIII accent, "you seen one of dem around?"

"Uh yeah," said Floyd, "one came in a couple a weeks ago ravin' like a madman."

"Where'd it go?" asked the stranger.

"It ran off to Lake Natth as soon as it stepped foot on the planet."

"Then that's where I'm headed," he said.

"Wait!" shouted Lloyd, "You can't just go to Lake Natth!"

"And why not?"

"Ain't it guarded by killer hssiss?" asked Lloyd. Floyd nodded.

"I'll manage," said the stranger.

"Lloyd. Take off your hat in respect," said Floyd removing his own.

Lloyd did likewise.

"Respect for the dead!" shouted Floyd, as they both broke out into another round of hysterics.

The man stood there. "Well I'll rekon you're right," he said removing his own massive hat, revealing massive flowing locks of hair. He brought it up to his chest and pulled out from the brim inside a small audio recorder. He hit a button, and fixed it back in his hat. Suddenly, "Come and get Your Love" by Redbone began to play really loudly. The man put his hat back on his head.

"What the frak is that noise?" asked Floyd in confusion.

The man upholstered his blaster pistols. One shot from the right blew up a distant security cam. The bolt struck its lens head on, as if it had been fired from only a foot away. A second shot blew up a second camera in the same fashion.

Floyd and Lloyd jumped back in fright, but before they knew what hit them, a pair of blaster bolts had pierced their chests. Before they fell, the man delivered a series of swift kicks to knock them down, he then spun in a circle with the sheer power of momentum and ended the move by clapping his pistols together. The man continued to dance towards the main building of the trading outpost.

"Hey, what's that noise?" asked the man behind the register. While the man was still outside, he shot the cashier through the glass door. He danced in, throwing the doors wide, and proceeded to shoot out the cameras one at a time. The man repeated the process in each room he entered as he danced through the store. After he made sure that there were no living witnesses, he walked out of the back towards a parking lot. From the store manager, he had stolen the dead man's keys, and now as the song was ending, he danced into the parking lot and pressed the alarm button.

One of the speeders started making a loud, annoying noise. He walked up to it and put the key in the ignition. He hopped on and revved the engine. It gave a satisfying purr. He smiled and grabbed his hat, making sure that it was properly fastened, then floored the accelerator and was off to Lake Natth.

* * *

 _ **Author's Note: This story is basically the novelization of a Star Wars RP I was in a while back. It was your typical RP full of Gary Stus, forced occurrences, overpowered everything, and all around no thought put into the lore or logic, so my friends and I called it the cancer RP and went along with it by making parody characters who were designed only to reference everything that we could think of. I decided that since its over, I really should immortalize our adventures, so that's what this is.**_

 _ **Also, most of my stories are as close to the lore as possible, but this, well, I'm going to take some liberties due to the nature of things.**_

 _ **Thank you for reading.**_


	2. Ch 2: The Goddess

Ch. 2: The Goddess

The man approached the shores of Lake Natth. Those two idiots were right. Sure enough, there was something _wrong_ with the lake itself. However, it wasn't that bad. Certainly not bad enough to make him turn around.

"REEEEEEEEEE!"

The man swerved when he heard the terrifying shriek. A moment later, a large rock hit the back engine and the speeder spun out of control. It felt as if an invisible hand had seized the vehicle, and he could not regain control. He crashed into a large rocky outcropping.

"Awww frack!" he cursed, "Hope this thing has insurance."

The man climbed out of the damaged speeder and looked around. The desert extended towards the horizon on one side and ended in Lake Natth on the other. Neither was preferable. Suddenly, he noticed that a strange creature watched him from the sandy shore of the lake. It was rather short and had damp skin adjusted for an aquatic existence. It's arms reminded him of flippers while its legs were short and stubby. However, the strangest part of the creature was its flat head. Its eyes were set in the sides of its head and short fleshy stalks hung from the sides of its mouth. He recognized it immediately as a selkath, a sentient native to the ocean world of Manaan.

"I am Pabluus Hidildo Analuus!" the creature shouted, "Grandmaster of the Order of Shasa! Destroyer of eeeevil!"

"Yeah, yeah, calm your dewbacks," said the man, "I am here to make you a deal."

"Fool!" shouted Pabluus, "You do not know the power that you are dealing with! You know nothing of the Force or its nature! I can sense your thoughts! You wish to use my power, power you can't contain!" The selkath raised its arms. Suddenly, the man staggered back, clutching his forehead.

"Oof! What is that?"

"I can turn your mind inside out and make you believe that you don't exist!" Pabluus said as he continued his psychic attack. The man continued to clutch his head, until he seemed to shrug off the attack. He stood up straight and looked at the selkath.

"Ha ha, very funny," he said annoyed, "cut it out! It tickles."

"What? How? How can you resist it?"

The man pointed to his belt. "I bought a Nerve-Amplifier Belt from a merchant on Tatooine. This belt renders your psychic attacks useless."

"What?! That's just a big leather belt with a stupid-looking brass buckle! How does that even work?"

"Hey, don't ask me. It's probably due to some half thought out handwaved technobabble. I bought it to use it, I don't care how it works."

Pabluus sent another psychic spear towards the man, just to make sure. With his mental probe, he dug deeper and deeper into the man's mind, until he seemed to reach a center of consciousness. Suddenly, Pabluus was thrown back as if hit by an invisible fist.

"Oof! What was that?" Pabluus asked in confusion. "Don't tell me your kriffing belt can use the Force?"

"Huh," said the man in confusion, "I don't know what that was." He shrugged honestly. "Dunno, but maybe there's something about this lake that caused the Force to do that. It's not like I'm force sensitive or anything."

"Fiiiine," said the fish-man, "What do you want?"

"Oh yeah, back to my sales pitch." The man cleared his throat. "Behold mortal! I am here on a mission! A mission from the Goddess!"

"The Goddess?"

"Yes! She who was incarnate and who watches over us from the Netherworld of the Force!" He reached into his hat and pulled out a small red pyramid-shaped device. "In here is contained her sacred word."

The selkath looked at him in confusion. "What's this?"

"A Sith holocron. Take it," said the man, smiling.

Pabluus hesitantly picked it up and turned it on. Immediately, a fuzzy image of a young, stunningly beautiful woman appeared. She wore ripping bodice that just barely contained her overly large chest and thighs massive enough to park a ship in orbit around.

"Why the frack am I looking at a Darth Zannah lewd holo?"

"Behold her immaculate form!" declared the man, "but for real, that's your holocron, so don't lose it."

"Huh," said Pabluus as he examined the device. "So where did you get this and how does it concern me?"

"You see," explained the man, "This holocron was given to me by a prophet from the Cult of the Goddess named Aemond of Alagaësia."

"So what's his deal?"

"He hired me on one of the moons of Bogden. He wished for me to give this to you for that you may become the next high priest of the Cult of the Goddess."

"And what is this Cult of the Goddess?"

"It's an offshoot of the Pius Dea that believes that an aspect of the Goddess became incarnate in a human woman, Darth Zannah, who came here to teach us the Way."

"Isn't the Pius Dea that ancient religion that hates aliens?" asked Pabluus.

"Yeah."

"Then why do you want help from a selkath?"

"Well you see, we believe that humans are the dominant species, and so by serving us you would be upholding the Will of the Goddess."

"I guess that makes sense."

"Great, so will you join me?"

"What's yer deal? Nothing in life is free," said Pabluus, clearly skeptical.

"I want you to help me take over the Galaxy! Imagine, that holocron is but a token of what we could have. Just think about it," the man leaned over and draped his arm around the selkath, "Entire star systems at your command! Armies! Slaves! Twi'lek _dancing_ slaves! All yours…. Just join me and you can have anything you want."

"Hmmmmmmmmmmm. What about an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle?"

"You'll shoot your eye out!"

"Then no deal!"

"Er, um, okay fine!"

"Deal. What should we do first?"

"First," said the man, "I want you to study the holocron, then return to the Order of Shasa and show them the Way."

"So turn them into an extension of the Cult?"

"You got it!"

"Oh, um, about that, I was, kinda, exiled."

"Uh, why?" asked the man confused.

"They said I'm insane."

"Oh. Well is there any way to get them on board?"

"Hmmmm. Give me a crate of glitterstim and four thousand pounds of chum and I'll see what I can do."

"I'll call the banker and arrange a meeting," said the man, "Now why don't you come back to my ship and we can head out."

"Fine, but one more thing."

"Yeah?"

"What's your name?"

"My name?"

"Yes. I need something to call you by."

"They call me," he said as he pulled out a pair of sunglasses and slipped them on, "Mixx Kaylon."

"Well good to meet you Mixx," said Pabluus, "I have the feeling this is the start of a long and beautiful friendship."


	3. Ch 3: Dagon

Ch. 3: Dagon

The shitty freighter slowly descended towards the surface of the water world Manaan. The engines were so powerful that they sent up waves that spread out from their location. The sun was setting, casting a brilliant orange and pink glow across the endless watery waste around them. The only thing visible was a large, bone-white obelisk that seemed to shoot randomly out of the water. The ship landed right in front of it. The freighter's ramp lowered and two individuals came out.

"This is it!" cried Pabluus the selkath in joy.

"How the kriff are we standing on water?" asked Mixx who was, as always, wearing his fifty gallon hat.

"There is some type of sandbar right underneath us," said the selkath.

"I thought sandbars don't form this far out in the ocean."

"Do I look like a kriffing geologist?"

"I thought you said you had a Ph.D in _everything_!"

"In everything _but_ geology!"

"Great, is this the place or not?"

Pabluus got down on all fours and drank the seawater. He made obnoxious gurgling noises, then spit it out. "This is the place."

"And what the frack is that giant thing?" he said pointing to the obelisk.

"It's the monument to the Progenitor."

"Is it supposed to look like a giant… you know… cloaca, I guess for your species?" asked Mixx.

"Actually yes," said Pabluus proudly, "the phallic representation symbolizes the power of the Progenitor."

"Great, so how do we summon it?"

"We need two things. First, I have to light a fire around the obelisk."

" _What?!_ " exclaimed Mixx, "How are we supposed to light a fire in the middle of the kriffing ocean?!"

"Don't ask me."

"Well why the kark didn't you fracking tell me?!" Mixx spent the next minute cursing the incompetence the entire selkath species and their progenitor.

"Hey, don't you have some type of self-oxygenating ooze in the back?" asked Pabluus, "You know that emergency stuff that the package says you should use when you need fire on a low-oxygen planet?"

"Oh yeah," said Mixx calming down, "I'm going to go get it." He walked inside and five minutes later came out holding what looked like a large fire extinguisher. He dropped it into the water where it rested on the sandbar, or whatever was supporting them.

"So what now?"

"Well now I can start setting this up. Meanwhile you can dump the chum."

"Where should I put it?"

"Just dump it onto the obelisk. It needs to be around for that the progenitor can smell it. Then I can light the fire, and we'll be good."

"Are you sure that this will work?"

"Well there are untold eldritch horrors in the oceans of Manaan, so we may not contact the Progenitor on the first try," said Pabluus cheerfully.

"Uuuuh, eldritch horrors?"

"Yeah, like the Sando Aqua Monster, saberjowl, and demonsquid are invasive species. Then you have more exotic things like the Sea-Leviathan or the Golden Sun. Some even suspect that the entire ocean is alive. There's always a bigger fish after all."

"Are you sure this is necessary?"

"Yes," replied Pabluus, "If we want to take control of the Order of Shasa we have to summon it."

"Wonderful. You know, I think I'll stay in the ship while you do this. Call me on the com if anything screwy happens."

Pabluus nodded, and Mixx walked back into the ship. It rose up and dumped a few tons of dead fish over the obelisk and on top of Pabluus. The ship then landed back where it was. In the middle of the rotting fish, Pabluus picked up the fire extinguisher. He sprayed a large, blue foam all over the obelisk, then after becoming frustrated by forgetting a lighter, he drew upon his anger and unleashed a blast of force lightning thereby igniting it. In the gathering darkness, the fire burned bright blue and the smell of roasting fish rose into the air.

Pabluus then pulled a small packet out of his swimsuit pocket. He opened it and quickly swallowed its contents which fizzled in his mouth like pop rocks. He then pulled out a maraca and started to chant. He reached out with the Force, searching the ocean for the Progenitor. The spice that he had consumed was glitterstim, a strange substance from Kessel that somehow enhanced the telepathic powers of its users. The night wore on. Eventually Mixx began to doze off.

* * *

Mixx was rudely awakened by the sound of a high pitched screech coming from outside and frantic shouts coming over the intercom. He looked outside but couldn't see anything except the burning fire. Then suddenly, in the light of the stars, he could make out a massive shadow descending over the obelisk and blocking the firelight. It looked vaguely like an amphibian arm. Mixx started up the engines, but then whatever it was let out a long undulating screech. The engines seemed to malfunction from the sheer power, and they blew out, ejecting a huge plume of fire and exhaust.

"Kriffin hell!" cursed Mixx. Suddenly the com lit up.

"Shoot it! Shoot it!" came the frantic voice of Pabluus over the other end.

"Uuuuuuhhh," Mixx searched the controls and found that the battery was still working. He turned on the laser turrets and attempted to take aim at the dark beast.

Two flashed, like green lightning, briefly illuminated the horror. Whatever it was rose out of the water, blocking the stars. It had a large, amphibian body, with long arms that ended in claw-tipped hands, but it was the creature's head that drew his attention. It was green with long, slimy tentacles dangling from where its mouth should have been and its eyes were pure black; it looked like an overgrown Ebruchi.

Mixx fired again, and it screeched, but he could not tell if he was actually doing damage. Still he kept firing until the battery died, but it was already over as the creature had descended beneath the waves. Mixx slowly caught his breath, and using the remainder of the battery power he turned on the headlights.

"Pabluus?" There was static. "Pabluus, come in!"

"Reeeeee!" came the voice from the other end.

"Pabluus! What the nine hells of Corellia was that thing?!"

"Remember how I mentioned 'eldritch horrors'?"

"Yeah, but what _was_ it?"

"I don't know! Some ancient Sith god I guess!"

"What the frack was it doing here?!"

"I don't know!"

"Screw this! I'm out! Peace!" Mixx tried to start the engine, only to hear a faint coughing noise.

"Uuuuuuh Mixx!" said Pabluus, "I think you're going to have to call a tow-ship."

"Oh do ya!" He gave up. "Look, are you almost done the ritual?"

"Yeah sure, hold on. Once I call the Progenitor, it will take me to the Order's underwater base, and I'll send a submersible back up to get you. Just stay here."

"Oh! Okay! What a _great_ plan! I'm stuck on this karking planet waiting to get eaten by one of the Great Old Ones!"

"Would you rather join me for an underwater expedition?"

"You know," said Mixx, "Staying up here in the ship is not such a bad plan after all."

"That's the spirit," said Pabluus as he stated chanting again. A few minutes later another huge shape rose out of the water.

"What the kark is that thing!" shouted Mixx trying the lasers only for the 'out of battery' light to flicker.

"Chill! It's the Progenitor!"

The massive shark-like creature shreaked.

"So, um, how will you take it to the bottom of the ocean?"

Pabluus jumped on its back. "I'll be back on Life Day!" he shouted as the creature sank below the waves.


	4. Ch 4: The Dolores

Ch. 4: The Dolores

Mixx Kaylon walked through the metal halls of the ancient undersea fortress, listening to the chanting in the distance. On either side were large windows through which he could see next to nothing of the watery depths beyond. He emerged in a large, centralized room. At one end of the room was a massive holoprojection of a blond woman in an incredibly tight catsuit wielding a double-bladed red lightsaber. Dozens of fishlike selkath faced her, their heads bowed in prayer.

In front of the congregation was the leader, a selkath like the others, who screeched, calling the faithful to worship.

"Hail to her immaculate body! Reeeeeee!" shouted the leader.

"Oh-o-o-o- Darth Zaaaaaaaaanah!" chanted the cultists.

"Hail to her! The embodiment of the Cosmic Fooooooorce!" sang the leader.

"May she always be wiiiiith uuuuuuus!"

"She fulfilled the prophecies of the Pius Deeeeeeaaaa!" said the leader, raising a book into the air.

"Over all aliens is the human raaaaaaaace!" they sang, clearly not realizing that they were, in fact, aliens.

"And over them is the Overwoman- Daaaaaarth Zaaaaaannah the hiiiiiighest!" he chanted, somehow able to pull off a perfect Gregorian Chant despite his fishy vocal cords.

"We are her servants!"

"She is the Sith'ari!" he raised the Sith holocron in the air, "Fulfillment of the Sith prophecies!"

"They were also her cho-sen pe-ople!" they sang, "And through the Sith we aliens are unified with the Force and the human species- the original choooosen raaaaace!"

"Reeeeeeee!" the leader screamed before launching into a chant in the selkath native tongue.

"Ouh gluh! Cha gluu alisha glu gla! Sheila glosh graaash!" chanted the cultists, "Gree shouldba! Gree Azathoth! Shela Nyarlathotep! Gluh Yog-Sothoth! Glish Nug Tsathoggua! Gluh Yeb Shub-Niggurath! Enuma- Yuggoth! Elish-Innsmouth!"

Mixx stood in the back of the room waiting for the service to be over. While he was a very religious man with a deep devotion to his Goddess, he did not wish to partake in the ritual at the moment. He knew that the whole ceremony existed just to get the cultists excited for the upcoming pilgrimage, and besides, a human like him would never worship beside a gaggle of disgusting _aliens_ \- even if they were both technically part of the Elect.

When they were finished, the leader stepped down and turned off the holoprojector. The selkath then gathered around a table for doughnuts and kolto while they talked amongst themselves in their native tongue. The leader walked to the back of the room where Mixx stood.

"How's it going Pabluus?" asked Mixx.

"It's going well," said the selkath preacher, "With the help of the glitterstim spice you gave me, I was able to telepathically take control of the entire Order of Sasha."

Mixx smiled as his plan came to fruition. "So tell me, how were you able to do it?"

"Wait, don't you already know?" asked Pabluus in confusion, "It was only a few days ago. Why do I have to be captain exposition?"

"Because I like hearing about my victories," said Mixx as they walked further along.

"Well, as you know, glitterstim is a powerful spice," said Pabluus, "It somehow enhances the telepathic capabilities of its users. This, combined with my own natural telepathy and Force-sensitivity, gave me the power to take control of even strong-willed targets."

"Go on," said Mixx. He, of course knew this, but wanted to hear the story again.

"So I summoned the Progenitor and took control of its mind. The Progenitor then used its own telepathic shriek to destroy the minds of these selkath in the Order of Sasha."

"And why didn't it affect you?"

"Because I'm insane!" said Pabluus, "You can't destroy what's already broke."

"But what about the Order and this station? Where did they come from?"

"The Order was founded four thousand years ago by a Force-sensitive selkath named Shasa. She was captured and tortured by the Sith until she was rescued. She then used her powers to start her own Force-wielding order, the Order of Shasa, which served as the protectors of the Selkath race. They chose this station as their home, as it's closest to the koto. Then, I changed the name to the Order of Sasha as I got confused."

"And what's kolto?" asked Mixx.

"It's this substance that we're harvesting. It's used for medicine and is somewhat valuable to sell."

"Good. Now tell me about your history with the selkath here."

"I was a member of the Order once, but I was banished for being clumsy."

Mixx laughed, "And how did you get your revenge?"

"I destroyed their minds with the power of the Progenitor and then re-programmed them to be Darth Zannah cultists."

"Good, and now I can use them to harvest kolto and sell it on the black market to become rich."

"Yep," agreed Pabluus.

"Enough exposition, are they ready for the pilgrimage to Lake Natth?"

"They should be, but we should leave some behind to run the kolto-harvesting operation."

"Of course," said Mixx, "But we need to expand and set up colonies everywhere. How many are ready?"

"At least fifty. Do you have transportation?"

"Actually yes. I'm going up to the surface to meet him now. Care to join me?"

"Sure," said Pabluus as they got into a submersible, "Is it a SoroSuub mini cooper?"

"No, Pabluus," said Mixx with a sigh, clearly Pabluus asked that question often.

"Can we get a SoroSuub?"

"When we have money!"

The submersible emerged from the water. They arrived just in time to witness a large, obnoxious, loud, and bright red ship emerging from the sky. It landed right next to the shitty freighter that Mixx was never able to fix. The ramp lowered and a small, short, buff, black guy who carried a blaster rifle almost as big as his entire body emerged from the interior. Strangely, his eyes appeared to be milky white.

"Who is this guy?" asked Pabluus in confusion.

"Mah name is Babipi Bompa en I'ah'a be your ridh!" said the stranger.

"He's a hitman with a nice lift that can get us out of here," explained Mixx.

"So whuddya you faghs want ta go?" asked the strange man.

"We're going to Ambria," said Mixx, "Once Pabluus calls up members of the cult we can head up to the surface."

"I ain't lettin' a bunch'a fakkin fish in muh Dolores!"

"What's a Dolores?" asked Pabluus.

"Teh Dolores is teh fastestest ship in teh hole mudder fakking Galaxy! She made teh Kessel run in ninh parsecs!"

"Isn't a parsec a unit of space, not time?"

"Shut up!" yelled Mixx in frustration, "What do you mean no fish? You kriffin agreed to it!"

"Put teh fish in ya old ship and I'm'a gonna toe it to Ambria!"

"You're going to tow Mixx's ship?! To another planet?!"

"Yeyh! Just huk er up tu some fakkin cables and jump ta hypperspace."

Pabluus looked out at the ocean and considered drowning himself. Then he remembered that he was a fish.

"Fine!" said Mixx, "Pabluus! Get your friends, they're going to have to ride in the RV."

"But what about me?"

"You're gonna ride with them!"

"But what if it breaks or something?"

"Then you die! Now do you want your SoroSuub or not? Go get the cult!"

"This has to be illegal," muttered Pabluus.

"Te're is no law in dis Galaxy," said Bompa.

"I have a very bad feeling about this."


End file.
